Happy Birthday Mom!

Today is the birthday of one of the most beautiful, thoughtful, gracious women that has ever walked the face of the earth, my precious Mom. How do I put into words what you mean to me? How blessed I am to still have you as a part of my life. I'm sad to say I have often taken for granted the ability to pick up the phone to hear your voice.

This past couple of years, I have gained a deeper appreciation of just how priceless our time is together. I have recently watched two dear friends lose their mothers long before their time. Watching these daughters who were also young mothers brokenly saying their final goodbyes, my heart ached, and I was reminded of just how blessed I have been. I am so grateful for the opportunityI have been given to share so much of my life with my Mom.

From big events, like the birth of my children, to simply sharing a laugh over the phone...these moments are etched in my mind and tucked away in my heart.  I wouldn't trade them for all of the money in the world. You gave me wonderful memories of being loved and cared for as a child. Memories of stopping what you were doing to take the time to let me crawl into your lap to read a story. Memories of you sitting on the end of my bed listening to me cry and tell you about my fears. Memories of you literally having to drag me to school because I would much rather have been at home with you. Memories of you lovingly taking care of me whenever I was sick. Memories of you praying with us at night before tucking us in. Memories of you loving me and standing by me through those awful teenage years. Memories of you lovingly wearing that dirty diaper yellow dress I made in homemaking the year you were 5 months pregnant with my little brother...and on Easter Sunday to play the piano, no less! (Now, that's a mother's love.)

You did this and so, so much more. The times you held me and listened to me cry after my world fell around my feet after my marriage came apart at the seams. The times you helped me while I was a single Mom raising three children alone, desperately wishing I could provide for them even a small portion of the love and security I felt as a child. Memories of the many prayers you prayed for us all. Memories of your love and memories of your encouragement that helped me to forgive and to move on to love again.

I could go on forever citing countless ways that you have given of yourself to so many who have needed your kindness. You have allowed Christ's love to shine through your loving, gentle personality that so illustrates your aptly given name...Grace. I am so proud to be your daughter, and I pray we have many years of laughter, love and memories ahead. I know this has been a tough year for you, but you have handled it all with such dignity and, of course, with grace. My wish for this birthday is that the toughest of days be filled with peace and joy, and that the good times far outnumber the bad. I also want you to know I am here for you, as you have been for me. I love you, Mom. You are a precious mother and friend. Happy Birthday!

Your forever grateful daughter,
Cindy

I have made a commitment to write a poem to each of my grandchildren, but I also promised myself that I would wait until the inspiration hit to ensure each poem was unique to each child. I wrote Randy's poem not long after we found he was going to be a part of our lives. The inspiration for Hollie's came from a nickname that Charlie gave to her. Tiffanie decorated her room in butterflies, and the theme stuck with many of her baby accessories. We had the opportunity to go visit her in Indiana when she was only a few days old. It was a wonderful trip, but it was so hard to leave her there. Everytime we saw a butterfly it made us think of Hollie. Well a couple of months ago, her Paw Paw started calling her his July Butterfly. That led to Hollie's poem. Love you little girl.

My July Butterfly
A poem to Hollie

By Cindy Hester (Maw Maw)

With hair of gold and eyes of blue, you came into the world,
A little taste of heaven, a precious little girl.
I held you tight within my arms, as hours passed on by
With grateful eyes raised to the skies, my July Butterfly.

Your tiny hands amazed me, each detail, crease, and line,
A masterpiece... perfection... exact per God’s design.
Your story yet unwritten, “Protect her, God,” I cried
My thankful hands raised to the skies, my July Butterfly.

I want you to remember, as you mature and grow
No matter what your choices, no matter where you go,
My love will always be there, and when I’m not close by,
With hopeful eyes gaze at the skies, my July Butterfly

A Message From God

There were many blessings resulting from even the darkest days during Dad's fight with cancer. There were also those exhausting struggles and trials that threatened to pull us under the current of fear and despair. I guess one can never be prepared to helplessly stand by watching a loved one slowly fading away.

It was after one of those days that I was making my way back home from the hospital in Lufkin...my heart heavy and my mind tired. Dad had been so, so exhausted. His speech was slurred, he could barely hold his head up, and he had fallen asleep three times during his daily outing in the wheelchair . I had unloaded on hospital staff during a frustrating, emotinally draining meeting that seemed to get us nowhere in the fight to understand why Dad was not improving.

I always found it difficult to leave him. I feared it would be my last chance to say goodbye and have him return the farewell. I knew you were not supposed to think that way, but such was the reality of dealing with a terminal disease like cancer. This day had been especially difficult for me. Dad was fast losing his determination and belief that he would see his home again, much less get better. Depression seemed to be setting in, and depression often leads to despair.

I had been driving for two hours crying out to God for mercy and direction. It seemed that the closer I got to home and to my husband, the faster I drove. I could not wait to get to the comfort of home. As I drove past a local church, I fought the urge to stop in for Wednesday evening services. My heart longed to be in the presence of God's people. I seemed to feel His very presence surrounding the complex.

I so desperately needed God's direction. Dad needed a change...a change in hospitals, a change in doctors. He needed to be moved to the medical center. He deserved be under the care of a group of phycisians who had access to cutting edge technology. He needed to be in a cancer facility that could concentrate on the latest set of issues resulting from his particular type of cancer, and one that had the resources to combat the effects of the intensive surgery he had undergone to remove the complex malignancy resulting from this cancer.

The surgeon had only been able to remove a portion of the malignancy that was attacking his body draining it of every nutrient and blocking body functions necessary to stay alive. The remaining cancer in both lymph nodes and surrounding area remained in tact. I had never felt so helpless. A change was needed and needed soon. As I drove, I continued to pray, begging God for his guidance and mercy. I cried out for peace if Dad was where he wanted him to be, and for urgency to act if not. The urgency to act only became stronger.

As I drove on through the tears, something drew my attention to my rear view mirror. My heart sank as I saw the red and blue lights flashing behind me. I carefully pulled to the side of the road mentally preparing for the lecture that was sure to come. Shining his light into my back seat, the officer cautiously approached my window requesting me to produce my driver's license. In a stern, businesslike voice he asked, "Where have you been?" I thought this was a slightly strange question, but I honestly answered that I was returning home from the hospital in Lufkin where my Dad was being treated for cancer. Seemingly unimpressed, he asked if I was aware of how fast I had been driving. I confessed that I had several pressing matters on my mind and that more than likely I was exceeding the speed limit.

The officer's expression softened slightly. He stood gently tapping my license on the ticket pad obviously pondering whether to write a ticket. He firmly reminded me that I would be of no use to my parents if I were to be killed or injured in an automobile accident. He lectured on about how I did not want to live with the responsibility of injuring or killing someone else as a result of my use of excessive speed. I nodded and agreed all the while fighting back the tears threatening to flood down my face. He handed back my license stating that it was customary to write a ticket for anything clocked over 77 mph, and I had been clocked at 80 mph. Under the circumstances and since I had a clean driving record, he decided to let me slide on this one as long as I promised to slow down and drive cautiously. I gratefully took my license from the officer and thanked God for His mercy because I had fully deserved that ticket.

I pulled back onto the road, and the officer pulled in right behind me. This made me nervous, so I pulled over into the middle lane. The officer followed suit. By this point I was beginning to feel a little agitated. I continued along, cautiously watching every move I made as I drove. This scenario lasted another ten minutes or so, and then once again I saw the red and blue lights flashing in my rear view mirror. My mind began racing trying to imagine why I was being pulled over a second time. Did I have an unpaid ticket I was unaware of? Did my husband? Was this a case of mistaken identity? Whatever I imagined at the moment surely ended with my being handcuffed and hauled off to jail!

As the officer approached the back of my car he said, "Don't worry Ma'am, you haven't done anything wrong." My mood immediately changed from being anxious to puzzled. The closer he got to the driver's side door I saw a completely different demeanor than that of the stern officer I had spoken with a few moments ago. Instead I saw an humble yet professional officer with something definitely weighing on his mind. He said, "You are going to think I have lost my mind, but I could not let you go any farther without getting this off of my heart. The moment I saw your car speeding past me, God impressed me to stop you. I most assuredly had reason to pull you over, and I definitely could have written you a ticket, so I thought I had satisfied God's requirement by letting you go without the ticket." He took a deep breath and nervously continued. "As soon as you pulled away, however, God kept impressing that I was not done. I have been arguing with Him over this for the past 10 minutes, but in obedience to Him, I had to surrender."

At this point he handed me a spiral notebook and a pen. He cleared his throat, then boldly forged ahead. "I would like for you to please write your Dad's name down so that my wife, my family and my church can pray for him by name." I broke down and began to sob. He continued, "I am a great believer in God's divine power of healing, and I have a strong church family of believing prayer warriors. I can see you are broken, but God wants you to know that everything will be allright...regardless of the outcome, He is with you all, and everything will be allright...just follow His direction."

I was completely blown  away by God's perfect timing. I was humbled by the fact that He used the most unlikely circumstance to reveal not only His mercy, but also His promise. I will be eternally grateful to the stranger who was obedient and brave enough to allow God's words to flow through him. This provided encouragement not only to me, but to my Dad and to each member of my family. This man will probably never know what that simple act of obedience meant in confirming that God not only exists, He cares. Nor will this man realize the many lives who will be touched by the sharing of this occurrence.

My prayer is that you too will experience God through the obedient actions of one of His children...Dear God, help it to be me...

My List of Gratitude

I am thankful for the ability to love and to be loved.

I am thankful for my husband who loved me enough to take me for better or worse, and that he has stuck to his end of the bargain.

I am thankful for our children who are out there learning, growing and who still show me love even when we don’t see eye to eye.

I am thankful for my boys who, God bless all three of them, suffered through my lack of experience with raising boys after growing up with only sisters for most of life. I love you all, and you are priceless to me.

I am thankful for the beautiful women who have come into my son’s lives, became my daughters through love and gave them the balance, love and the stability to grow into the men they are today.

I am thankful for my daughters who continue to challenge me to become the woman I need to be, and and who inspire me to continue pursuing personal and spiritual growth. You are my heart, and I love you.

I am eternally grateful for my grandchildren, who have reminded me of the pure, innocent, unconditional love and joy found in life’s simplicity.

I am grateful for my Momma and Daddy who loved me enough to let me live through my teenage years and who have never given up on believing in me.

I am grateful for my two sisters, who have shown me so much forgiveness over the years, and with whom I share that special connection of sisterhood.

I am grateful for my little brother who, even though we did not get to grow up together, has grown into one of my dearest, closest friends.

I am grateful for their spouses who joined our crazy bunch bringing so much love into our family, and who helped to create the wonderful chaos that occurs each time we are all together.

I am thankful for the most talented and loving neices and nephews - the older of whom are using their unique talents to bring joy and change into this tough world - the younger of whom are growing into loving adults with so much yet to offer.

I am thankful for my entire family of aunts, uncles, and in-laws who did not have the opportunity to choose me as a relative, but who have loved and supported me through so much.

I am thankful for Charlie’s family who welcomed me with open arms.

I am especially grateful for Charlie's sister and her family whose love and encouragement have touched me in more ways than they will ever know.

I am thankful for friends who have brought so much fun and laughter into our lives, and who have been there to support us in times when we could barely stand alone.

I am thankful for my job and for the good people I work with who have become like a second family to me.

I am thankful for my Savior who loved me enough to come to earth to die for my sins, and who has shown me liberating grace and abundant life.

I am grateful for the freedom to openly raise my voice and hands in worship and praise to Him for His precious grace.

I am so thankful that He has changed me, and that He continues to change me to live more in His image.

I am grateful for the promise that His protection will never leave me or forsake me no matter what He allows to touch my life or the lives of my loved ones.

I am thankful for fellow believers whose prayers strengthen me day by day.

I am thankful for a home to shelter me from the elements and for plenty of food to sustain my body.

I am thankful for shoes for my feet and clothes for my body.

I am thankful for a dependable, comfortable vehicle that gets me to and from work and the many other places I tend to travel.

I am thankful for my health and for the health of my loved ones.

I am thankful for the realization that there are those who do not have these basic necessities, and I am grateful that your Spirit that urges my heart to give to those who cannot help themselves and for Your conviction of my selfishness at times.

I am grateful that I can turn to You for wisdom as to when it is best to help, and when it is best to let go...as hard as it may be to do so.

I am thankful for laughter, for rest, for those precious experiences that flavor life with delicious memories.

There is so much more I could write, but for the sake of time I must close. But I must say one more thing before I do...I am thankful for you.

Hmmm...

Okay, I don't get it! I know that may suprise some of you, but yes, there are some concepts that are just beyond my comprehension. (My husband attempted to help me out with this one last night, but I was not as appreciative of his help as one would think!) You see, I am involved in a contest at work in which employees are being encouraged to increase their physical activity. Our goal is a minimum of 10,000 steps a day, and the team with the most steps is rewarded at the end of a 2 1/2 month period.

So here is the thing...it took me two months...TWO MONTHS to lose 2 1/2 measely pounds! At first the weight went up, and I thought my body had forsaken the goal we were working so hard to accomplish. I mean, I have been walking a total of 5 miles a day! It has finally started down a little, though. I lost weight during the weight loss competition earlier this year (3 whole pounds...whoopie...) only to gain it plus a couple more on our trip to Chicago...mmm...Chicago style pizza...and bagels...and hot dogs...but I digress. Now I that I am on my way back from losing those added pounds, I have decided to try a whole new concept. I am actually going to watch my portions and calorie intake WHILE I exercise. Hmmm, now why haven't I thought of this one before?!?!!

Well, to be fair to myself, I have done this in the past with quite good success. But that was in my twenties, thirties and early forties. The closer I get to fifty, however, (and I'm talking only a few months away) the more independent my body seems to have become. I think it is afraid that each time I eat something it could be the last morsel it will ever get to digest, so it holds on for dear life to every calorie.

So now that I have verbalized everything that I do not want to keep happening, I am going to stop behaving like Lot's wife who turned into a pillar of salt because she just had to look back at what she was leaving behind instead looking forward to the promises of where she was headed. I shall now make a few positive affirmations for my successful weight loss journey:

• I am back down to the size I was whenever I went to the hospital to have my sons.

• I can sit in a stadium seat without having to raise one hip at a time to get out of it.

• I can actually bend over and paint my toenails without cutting off my air supply.

• I can try on clothes without bursting into tears in the dressing room because my "fat size" is now too small.

• I no longer have to turn sheepishly away whenever my husband asks what happened to the Reese's peanut butter cups he just bought the day before.

• I no longer live in fear of the nurse at my doctor's office yelling my weight across the room to the nurse who is "assisting" by recording it on my chart.

• I no longer feel 4 1/2 months pregnant because my stomach has added a layer of insulation to help me through menopause (to this day I do not understand why this necessary, but I am told it is beneficial...probably something thought up by a female doctor experiencing the same mysterious "miracle" of the female mid-life era.)

• I can wear heels again without the balls of my feet feeling like they are being crushed to powder due to the exponential weight added by said heels.

• I can actually watch "The Biggest Loser" without the conviction that I need to be filling out an application instead of eating another bowl of ice cream.

I feel much better now! With any luck at all I can see myself losing at least 5 lbs before this time next year :-)!!

Random Ramblings

Okay, this is really sad. It has been so long since I have written anything in my blog that I had to search Chelsey's blog for the link! So I have made a promise to myself to write more often...even if what I have to say is not earth shattering or life changing.



I guess one reason I was prompted to return to my blog is that I have been feeling a little blue. Don't ask my why because I can't really put my finger on it. Possibly it is because there are so many changes taking place, and I guess I realize that my time here does not last forever. I look at the hours spent at work versus the time spent living life and visiting with the ones I love, and it is a little sobering to say the least. I do not mean these thoughts in a depressing way. Just in a wistful, melancholy way.

Fall is my favorite time of year, and with fall comes a flood of nostalgia. The cooler, drier temperatures...the clearer, more colorful sunsets...the richer, more flavorful foods all draw my most favorite of memories to the forefront. I remember cool evenings spent on the porch at my grandparent's home watching my grandfather's profile fade into the night as he told stories of his childhood. The faint smell of burning leaves is as prevalent in my memory as it was the day I sat in his lap listening ever intently to his adventures as a boy. The atmosphere was saturated with goodness, simplicity and love.

I also remember the fun of searching for the newest halloween costumes at Perry Brothers five and dime store for the upcoming carnival at our elementary school. The best costumes were homemade, but it was so much fun to look at the most popular costumes that sold in the store. I remember getting to be Snow White one year. It was with great pride that I put on that plastic mask, pulling the rubber band over my head and securing it safely around the back of my head. I magically became Snow White...I even had her hair and face (...as long as I didn't turn around, that is...) I can still hear the way my breath sounded with my nose and lips pressed up to the mask.

Back in those days our small town closed down main street and we got to march in a parade and show off our costumes. This was a big event at our house. My grandparents came to the house early and rode with us to the parade. It always began and ended at the elementary school, and we got to be the stars of the town for the evening. After the parade came the carnival that was set up complete with all kinds of games like bobbing for apples, a cake walk, and a spook house...just to name a few of the attractions. Those times were so, so special.

Autumn brings football and evenings around campfires at the farm. My sons were born in the fall, and it was in the fall of the year that my life with Charlie began. Many say I am entering into the autumn of my life. Come to think of it, I suppose that is not such a bad thing after all. Much like the bright hues of orange, yellow and brown that make up the colors of the changing season, fall and autumn is a warm, vibrant time of year. The colors are rich, the smells are memorable, and the skies are clear. This season of life could turn out to be my favorite of all.

The Patchwork Quilt That Is My Life

I woke up this morning feeling as if I did not have the strength to make this day. At the time I felt major defeat, but as the day progresses I am realizing this is probably the most powerful, most important place for me to be. It is in these times I am reminded that I cannot face life in my own power.

I look at the events of the past couple of weeks, and on the surface they appear discouraging. I fight extreme feelings of failure. Thoughts of "if I had only been a better mom, step-mom, friend, wife, daughter..." You name it, and I can provide a list of shortcomings a mile long. The "should haves" and "shouldn't haves" seem to consume my thoughts. My emotions are torn between wanting to make all things right in the lives of my children, while all the time knowing there are things that God is allowing them to experience in order to reveal His unmatched love and grace.

Some heartbreaking events have occured that were completely out of their control and which seemed on the surface to be so unfair. Others came about as a result of choices made...choices that have dug a hole so deep that only divine intervention can rescue them from that hole. Regardless of the circumstances, I know that the issues were beyond my ability as a parent to solve.

This fact seemingly goes against the laws of nature for a Mom. From the time my children were born I had the instinct to protect them. Mom is supposed to be able to make everything better. However, as children cross over into adulthood, the role of Mom changes tremendously. In those heart wrenching circumstances which happen without provocation, all I can do is pray and cry alongside them. In those situations resulting from bad decisions, all I can do is refuse to enable or rescue them once consequences of these decisions begin to unfold...and I pray and cry alongside them.

I must also rest in God's promises from His word. Sometimes in my humanity I have to admit that these promises seem so distant. I don't always feel these promises. There are days whenever I let myself give in to the belief that God is so disappointed in me that His promises could not be for me or for my children. There are days when I feel as if my children will never understand the fact that I love them more than they could ever know, and that despite my failures as a parent, or even despite some of the right decisions I have had to make that may seem harsh to them at the time, their instrinsic value is unmatched in my heart. The overwhelming love experienced whenever you hold your child for the first time never fades. Nor does the love that develops and strengthens whenever God brings two families together, and you find yourself falling in love with two children that you may not have given birth to, but who become a part of your life and your heart in a way that you never dreamed possible.

It is at this point that God in His loving, gentle way reminds me of His love for me as His child. He reminds me that He does not ask for perfection. In fact, He reminds me that I was not created as a perfect being. He reminds me that through dealing with my children I can gain an understanding of my relationship with Him as my heavenly Father. I am humbled to remember that in the same way that I want the best for my children, He wants the best for me as His child. In the same way that I grieve whenever my children make choices that take them down a painful path, His heart grieves for me whenever I do the same. He reminds me that in the same way I feel that deep love for the children in my life, the love He feels for me as His child...His very creation...the deep, unconditional love He offers every day of my life never, ever fades...regardless of my mistakes.

And I begin to find comfort as I look back over my life and see all of those seemingly unrelated, ragged patches come together, I begin to see a beautiful piece of God's handiwork. I begin to see how, when turned over to Him, all of those mistakes and failures have been woven together in a pattern of understanding, grace and forgiveness. This is when I know I can cling to His promises...not in my own strength or because of my own goodness, but despite my weaknesses and because of His goodness. My failures can be redeemed in love, understanding and acceptance of others who are desperately seeking the same. And I begin to see that these events are not just random happenings allowed only to bring pain to me and those I love. Instead I begin to understand that these events are important pieces that in God's capable hands make up the patchwork that is my story...the beautiful patchwork that, when completed, becomes the heirloom quilt that is my life.